I should really learn to put these in the category of blogging, where they technically belong. The last blog of the night was random, but this will be more serious.

Sooo, I need to update more. Like, a lot more.

I've come to the realization that the rest of the senior class needs to shut the fuck up about how excited they are. I'm not; I'm two wrong looks and a college application away from throwing up, stabbing someone, driving off a bridge, or some horrifically jumbled mixture of all three. Stop telling me how exited you are; I deeply covet your will to remain calm under the stress of the unknown future.

Moving on; I'm just stressed. I'm worried about after all this. Life after High School; I realize one mistake could have me in a good few years worth of torment and unwanted work. Whatever; I have it coming. The uncertainty of some situations unnerves me...

The hurricane was not so bad. I guess that's from the perspective of a girl in a house having five old, rotting trees leaning over it and was miraculous not flattened. Definitely appreciative of whatever greater power spared me.

Still not getting me a church, big guy; sorry. Which reminds me; mom wants to take me to a tent revival. I think she wants to do it before I turn 18 in, like, five days. Oh snap; I've got a car, so that shit's not happening. It's not that I don't like religious people; I'm just not one of them and would prefer that they not solicit their unyielding faith to me. They don't need to make things more complicated for me that absolutely necessary.

Speaking of unnecessary things; Economics can officially suck left tit. I've never met such an infuriating subject; that it can take a situation as terribly simple as supply and demand and contort it until it has terms and names unrecognizable. I do think they do it on purpose; to keep us stupid. Psychology is nice; I enjoy learning about the fathers of the subject and their contribution to our current understanding of the human mind.

Mr. Freud, you were a pervert that no one wants to admit made some semblance of coherent sense.

Moving on. Genetics is epic-win. Still getting used to calling the teacher Newsome now. Bought some fish for her fish tank. All she had before it was a Zebra fish who is blind in one eye, a neon pink guppy, and a shit load of small, freshwater snails. It's a nice community; I added six fish.

The Car Wash went well; met some new cadets, most of whom I enjoyed. A few need some serious attitude adjustments, but we'll always get those, now won't we? Eh, not to work on the Doughnut Sale. Probably won't need to worry about it too much, I've got it in my head.

On that note; I need to go to bed. Tomorrow shall be school, and more interaction with people I like and don't like. Which...isn't any different from sitting at home, actually...

So...life's been generally a piece of shit for the past few days.

Work is getting better, considering I really only work Fridays and weekends. Everyone's all excited about "a three day weekend". I'm in the background, grumbling "Fuck you; I have work..."

Actually, I don't know that for sure yet. I haven't gone out to check my times yet. Don't give me that look; I was gonna! Then that thunderstorm rolled in yesterday. It's all hazy and chilly outside now. I like the chilly part; at least we're getting fresh air, not stale-humid air, but the hazy part is killing me. Major headache power.

We're gonna do Hindu Pushups and Hindu Situps today...

I could have sworn this was America.

Musta took a wrong turn at Albacurcey, or however the fuck you spell it.

If they're going to torture us, can't they at least do it in an American way? Oh, wait; that involves bing drinking and drunken games, like the egg between your buttcheeks, or a pyramid of naked men, or knowing that the answer is always "May I have another, Sir?"

I digress.

I'm a little upset...I try and I try for certain people, even going as far as to swallow my pride to get something I was certain would bring them a bit happiness; maybe even a smile. What do I get? I get a "I'll come get it later" and they never show.

Figures. I suppose I should be use to it. Honestly, I'm not all that angry, just depressed. I realized that I'm wasting my time to help someone that doesn't even appreciate it. I should border-line worship someone else, who will actually be thrilled when I have something for them.

I literally begged for this gift, too. In front of a whole bus load of people, some giggling when I blushed while saying "I don't want it for me; I want it for my friend."

*sighs* Maybe he just forgot. He sure does that a lot...

I'm easy to forget; I know, but still.

Moving on to a happier subject.

James, I love you. =D You're amazing. Intelligent. Freakin' great! I'm so glad Kristen introduced us, even if you were with her at the time.

You know why I was upset that day, but I promised Kristen an explanation via blog. So I was becoming increasingly depressed because I felt like I was just a big disappointment. Once again, I felt like Kristen was ten times better than me and that, deep down, James preferred being with her. I mean, she could fulfill his Yoshi "fetish" (turns out, it's not really a "fetish"), lives way closer, has guardians that don't freak out at the mere idea of an online relationship (much less a far older man), lives way closer, is considerably smarter (makes far less typos, anywho), and can draw him all sorts of awesome pictures.

Don't bother telling me a million reasons why it would be otherwise...I've already gotten over it. I've realized that I'm my own person, for better or worse. Damn it; I'm fucking awesome.

Anywho, I'd write more, but the bell for school has rung. I must go to English. I'll most likely edit this later anyway...

As suspected, I've now edited this. I've spent my time in the ROTC back room. I think I'll just take a 0 for Physical Testing today; I have work later anywho and I just don't feel up to it today. Less physical and more emotional/mental distress (annoyance).

I've come to understand that, no matter how hard you work for others, they will most likely not acknowledge you. For example, I work my ass off in ROTC all the time. Just now I finished the Newsletter Article for my Logistics, when no one else has even bothered to start their own. I've spent countless hours staying after school just to catch up on numbers and items in Logistics, because no one else would. I get recognition, yes, but I also got a piece of meat dangled in my face before torn away. "You get to be Deputy Group Commander, Rosalie! Isn't that exciting?" and then "No, we decided to give the position to Crystal, because she's a Senior, even though she's an AS III and you're an AS IV now. Yes, we are going to have to bump her up many ranks when it would only take two to make you a Major. Oh, but here's a shiny new Capitan's rank for you! Isn't that just dandy?"

*stares at the new rank* I suppose I should be happy for it, and (in some ways) I am. At the same time, however, I can't help but feel disappointed. For yet another foolish but rare moment in my life, I stupidly allowed myself to feel hope. To tell myself "You're special; you're worth something" only to have it dashed away. I wish they wouldn't have promised something like that to begin with. Maybe I wouldn't feel so bitter, or so guilty about being so bitter. Maybe I just shouldn't have such stupid thoughts. I'm not even on the top five. I'm just...head of Logistics again. True, I really should be happy about this, right? I'm a high rank. I'm only two ranks from the highest a cadet could be. I am Captain Rosalie Guthrie, Officer in Command of Logistics with NCO's working under me. It's just...the only thing different about that from last year is the rank. I guess I think it's small compared to what was promised me.

I'll get over it and realize I'm right where I belong. Not quite on top, but the head of something. Besides; Crystal's doing an excellent job! She's very good! This is nothing against her; she's honestly better for the position than I am. It doesn't even hurt to admit that, because it's true. It's just something I can deny, no matter how jealous I might be...

Blah, my budday Shannon has run across the hall from Art II to type, so I'll have to end this. Mrow!

Love you all (mostly just James),

~Rosie

PS:

[Owner] "Come here Mr. Tinkles!"

[Cat] "Fuck you, bitch! My name is Kaiser, lord if the carpet tree and master of the cat nip! The only kindness you will receive from me will be the little, tightly curled presents I leave in your shoes!"

[Owner] "But I have tuuuunaaaa~!"

[Cat] "Mr.Tinkles is on his way~!" *scampers*

Just thought I write a decent journal entry. I haven't actually written one in quite a while.

So...catching up with life so far here.

My job in nice, at the Rave. Workin' hard, trying not to fuck up too bad. Got my School Schedule and what-not.

I really want to go buy Harvest Moon; Rune Factory for the Nintendo DS. There's gonna be one for the Wii too, but I forget what it was called. Anywho, I also need to sell my GameBoy Advanced for money to buy Allen-boy a DS, cuz he really needs one, and a Pokemon game too boot. Silly, hoe! D= You can borrow my Animal Crossing, but don't save over meee!

Holy shit, I REALLY need to call Sonny, man. I REALLY need to. Having 4-to-close kinda hours sucks, cuz I sleep until near noon, then get ready, do laundry and what-not. Ugh...

It's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to concentrate on a single subject. I find myself constantly juggling thoughts, never really sticking to any particular one. True, this leads to rather short entries scattered into a few sentences and small paragraphs, but it's annoying none-the-less.

I keep wanting to drive, but mom always has her car out for whatever errands she was previously doing, and she refuses to pull out my Saturn just so I can drive to work with her, and have her drive it back. It's a bit annoying, really, because she knows I really need the practice. I suck balls at parking, but I'm good at everything else. I guess it's just because I never HAVE to park. Eh.

Brings me to the next thing! She's gone to the new Sam's Club around here twice now, and each time was while I was at work. Pisses me off a tad, because I've always been a Sam's Club fan. Hey, you've got Wal-Mart people, and people like me, who actually want a fucking deal. Oh well. I'd work at Sam's Club, but you have to be 18. Blah...

Dude...Do I have a sign on my chest that says "If you're a pissed of customer, come yell at me!" Because if I do, I really need to replace it with a sign that actually says "So much as look at me wrong and I'll come flying over this fucking counter, assface" because that's pretty much how I feel. Since the Rave changed it's combo system, having sold out to Nestle and requires the purchase of a Nestle candy with the combo for a real discount, I've gotten a million people getting pissed off...at ME!

Let me just say this. Getting mad at the person getting your food is a bad idea. Furthermore, this is just stupid. How can you get mad at a simple employee for what the company above them did, like they could fucking help it. Like we're the evil bastards shoving a stick up your dumb ass. That's like yelling at a convenience store clerk for the raising gas prices! Fucking morons...

Anywho, moving on from the dumb ass customers. Dude, I am NEVER coming in early when a certain asshole is working. I came in a few days ago, two hours early, because I was asked to and told that a single person was working floor staff that night, and I was like "Holy crap, that's gotta suck balls. I'll help." So I ran home, got dressed, and came back. I couldn't find this guy, cuz he wasn't answering his radio, so I just ran to the Usher Closet and took out all the trash for him (two boat fulls) and re-bagged the cans. Then I cleaned the Girl's restrooms, which I figured, because there was only one MALE on staff, would be nasty. I was right. They were disgusting and it took forever to clean them. I did all this within the first half hour of being there. Finally, I find this guy, and he's already short with me, clippy with the way he talks to me and everything. I don't think much of it, since he's been working hard by himself, I'm sure he's tired.

Then he asks me to stand podium by myself, and that he'll come back to get me and we'll do theater number one. So I stand there...without an Usher Schedule to know when theater's are letting out and without a radio. Finally, after fifteen minutes, a manager walks by and I ask him where the kid went, he says he doesn't know, tries to hurry off, but I stop him and ask for a Schedule. Now HE is getting pissy with ME. Hands me a schedule after grumbling "You should have asked for one of these when you first came in, Rosalie..." I'm thinking "Fuck you; I didn't have to come in yet, asshole."

I look at the schedules and, to my horror. I'm twenty minutes late for three theatres....

I rush off, clean these theaters, number one being the biggest mess I've seen since working here, by myself. About an hour or more later, I see this kid come by and I'm like "Dude! Where are you going?!" He ignores me, and I don't have time, I'm almost late for another theater. Later, I find out he went on BREAK all the way to Books A Million, taking THE FUCKING RADIO WITH HIM! He comes back and is dragged off by the same asshole manager who was pissy with me earlier to unload a truck.

I run into main concession, because now it's 10pm, and I need to hurry and do theater four before I log into concession for my actual scheduled hours. I checked the Rave Clock, and to my surprise, find the asshole-kid standing around, having a drink. I yell at him about running off without me, or even letting me know when I needed to do those theater's, making me late. True, it was my responsibility to get a schedule when I came in, I understand that. However, it was his responsibility to let me know when he left for break so I knew to go on without him, because I stood at that podium waiting for his dumb-ass for almost twenty minutes, and because of that, I was late for a bunch of theater cleanings. I also yelled at him for taking the radio with him, not giving it to me. So if they had to call Usher Staff, I wouldn't have heard it.

He gets pissy with me, saying "Don't you fucking bitch at me!" to which I'm reply, "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to like that? I didn't have to come in when I did, and I certainly didn't have to help your ungrateful ass!"

He storms off and about five minutes later, while I'm heading out the door to go clean theater four by myself before heading to log into concession, the same asshole manager stops me and is actually cursing at me.

"Why do you need to bitch at him, Rosalie? You don't need to be bitching at my...other employees!"

I'm not even kidding. He cursed at me many more times and he actually paused between my and other employees, making it obvious he almost said "my employees" like I don't fucking work there. I just stood there, taking this all in.

To which I told him, "I'm going to go clean theater four now..." and took off toward the door. He yelled, and I mean YELLED to me "If you're gonna get an attitude, you can just clock out!"

I cried the entire time I cleaned that theater, finished it, cleared out the trash AGAIN, clocked into concession, and cried for fifteen more minutes in the Family Restroom, because it was a room with a door I could lock.

If they have that situation again, I'm asking "Who's the kid that's working alone?" and they say "Justin", I'm letting that little ungratefull Manager's Pet keep working by himself. You can say that's immature of me, but I disagree. I think that if he treated me like that once, what's to stop him from doing it again? So no; he made his bed, he can lay in it. He'll get no extra help from me. And that manager? Yeah; he better not ask me for any favors either. If any other manager asks me to come in early, I will. If he does, I'm saying "No" for all those times he was so rude to me when I was just trying to fucking help.

Now, I understand being tired and having a short temper. I understand being very busy and understaffed. I understand all of that. What I don't understand is being absolutely rude to someone who came in to HELP you, when they didn't have to. What

Anywho, good news. I cleaned the entire area around the Trash Compactor yesterday. My shoes still smell of garbage juice (yummy...) and Ginny Crow helped me as much as she could and then she took of to the little concession stand. Managers fucked with her too. No one told her she was opening the little concession and training a new girl, but they chewed her out for it. Idiots should have told her; they know she'd have had that thing open on time if she KNEW about it. Assholes. Anywho, onto the good news! So...I was cleaning the compactor and anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm sensitive to smells. Needless to say, I puked. Just once, right into the compactor shortly after Ginny left, because I found a piece of wood we forgot to chuck in and had to climb up and throw it in. I puke just a bit, but the sound of it hitting the bottom of the compactor couple with the fact that it was the tuna-melt I had that morning with pepper-jack cheese and salsa just made me vomit more. So that was a breakfast that wasn't as important a meal as it should have been.

But, soaked to the bone with water from the hose and garbage juice, I still did everything else I could that day, and it was a busy night with premiers of "Underdog", "Bratz", and "The Bourne Ultimatum". I got three coupons to Chick-fillet. 8D *happiness for my fat ass*

My sister might be moving out near the end of September. D= I don't know if I should be sad or happy, cuz she really needs to be on her own, but she's my sister, and I cried for two days when she left last time. I wish I could go with her...

This school year better be awesome. -_______-

I guess I really haven't much else to say...

JIM! GET BACK FROM GERMANY, HOE! 3X

Betch...you best have some pictures. Remember; pics, or it never happened.

Love always,

Rosalie, the Pudding Queen

Randomness: Dude, I was listening to the radio last night, like I always am, when a song came on that I thought was FUCKING AWESOME! I was rockin' out all by myself, but I was half awake when the first bit came on, so I had no idea what the song was, until it ended:

Me: *still dancing in her bed* ^w^

Dj Lance: "And that was Ally and A.J. with "The Potential Break Up Song!"

Me: *stops moving, horrified* O------------O;;;

*has since added it to her MySpace playlist* Fuck you, it's an awesome song...

You ever one of those years where absolutely everything has gone wrong? Someone dies, someone moves, you fail a subject in school, you loose all trust and respect in your Mother's eyes, and worst yet, you fall in love with someone who never has and never will feel the same way for you as you do for them, or as they do for someone else.

Guilty is painful feeling, but so is regret. Time and time again I do this to myself, and I just don't understand why it keeps happening. Random crying stages aren't rare for me anymore. Blah.

I totally had a weirdo dream last night. I was at some dinner ceremony when out of no where, Sonny showed up. It was freakin' awesome! Then I woke up, and it took me a few minutes to realize where I was, and when I figured out I was in my room, I just started crying my eyes out.

So that was my morning. It sucked. Can't even call him; mom's on the phone non-stop. Blargh...

It's just not fair. I can't wait for Summer Leadership to hurry the fuck up. I'm suppose to start working at The Rave soon but Mr.V "forgot" to add me and some other girl to the computer, so we have to "call in" Wednesday. That sounds weird to me since I SAW him put me in the computer when I did my paperwork there. Eh, I have a shirt and pants and what-not for the job, so I don't care. I'll call in.

I've been playing Zoo Tycoon all week, it's freaking awesome. I'm suck a nerd, but I love it. I need to RP more often. I've fallen dead behind but hey, since when hasn't that happened?

I should play some other games more often; I have a lot of borrowed stuff I really, really need to give back. If I had the time, I'd totally go hang out with more people, but I don't have the time, plus; Mom hates my fucking guts.

Katie disappeared somewhere with some dude, and hasn't called in a while. If I gave a crap about anything at all, I'd probably call her sometime. I think, at this point, I'm just writing for the sake of writing. I wish I could hear from some of my old senior friends more often, but hey, what can a looser 11th grader like me do?

When is the official first day of school? Am I just a looser in not knowing this? Blah, whatever.

So yeah; life sucks.

Dude; I can't find my wallet. This sucks ass.

I need some actual pictures of ME on my MySpace, but I can't find my digital camera. Besides, I take sucky pictures if I'm paying attention. My best ones are taken by friends when I'm doing something else. Can anyone out there take pictures of me some day out maybe? Then send them to me? Cuz I suck. Or I'll find my camera and ask someone to do it. I dunno...

I think I've run out of shit to say.

Holy crap, they have the Six Flags old guy on Robot Chicken. What the fuck...

The End...

Random Shit: Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

I don't even know why I'm writing at this point. Nothing significant has taken place. I guess this is my own anti-depressant.

I'm really trying to get the game "Poke'mon Pearl" because my best friend, Sonny, in Virginia, has Diamond version. When we first saw the ads for the games, we agreed to do it the other way around, but he couldn't get Pearl like he wanted, so it's cool. We'll just swap, eh? 8D

Blah, I have so little to write. I need to do a lot of Logistics stuff in ROTC. We need to have another staff meeting again, but I need to talk to Steve-o for that to happen. I'm just Vice Commander; not really important but there anyway.

I got my parking spot for next year. I got spot 002; Jeff P.'s old spot. It's awesome. I get my license in October, and I already have a car. I just have to wait for Mom to get a new car for herself, since our Van is dead weight, and she has to get to work. I also need a job; I was thinking about Fire House Subs, but I'll look around too. I badly wish I could work in Home Depot or Sam's Club, but you have to be 18 for that. Blah. I turn 17 in Sept. Damn it all. One year. One year of silly little food jobs. Not fun.

I don't care. I can't seem to squeeze any emotion from myself anymore. I laugh, I say "I Love You" but it's been so long since there's been anything there. When I manage to get something out of myself, it's usually too much of a bad emotion at once, usually at a bad time. For example, third block yesterday.

Cried, just about the whole time. Bet I was a burden to a lot of people, but hey; I didn't know what was wrong with me. Well, I did, but I didn't want to talk about it; you know? I thought I was ready for anything, but not that much at once.

I'm tired of being used. Having someone show me attention and making me feel loved, or feel at all, and suddenly turn around the very next day and have someone else. I'm tired of being the 'before hand' girl. I'm tired of being lied to. For someone to tell me they won't say anything to anyone about a secret I tell them, because I can't hold in all my privet faults forever, only to have them tell someone the moment I turn my back.

Most of all, I'm just tired. Tired in my body, tired in my mind, and tired in my heart. I don't know if I can handle it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. A good friend of mine told me "It'll be okay". That's what they all said six years ago. It's not okay. It never will be! If it were, wouldn't it have changed by now?

Whatever. I'll just sit here and take the abuse, like I use to do years ago. Blah.

Anywho, after I show a close friend a comic I made, I'll post it up as a blog. I just need to wait for him to log in. I wonder if he's at work or just resting at home; poor sick kid.

Oh, if you read my blogs, thank you. If you don't, I really don't care anymore. If you do read them, though, please leave a little comment so I know that you read it and to repay you. Even if it's just a little "I commented" comment. I just need to know.

Love always.

Rosalie

Random Thing: I should water my plants; they look a tad peaky.

Um, yeah.

I don't even have an explanation for this title. I wanted to put "I'd Like To Thank The Little People (If I Hadn't Stepped All Over Them)" but it wouldn't fit. XD Go figure! So instead, I put it in a funny lisp that turned out hilarious.

It's been a stressful time for me. I've been thinking about how I'll be in a few months, when a friend of mine may move back, and another friend I'm sure will start to ignore me. Lord knows I'm not as good as Friend A in Friend B's eyes, but this I am use to.

I've been playing a shit load of video games, having friends over, and loading up a fwasome playlist on my profile, with Evanescence songs I've never been able to get a hold of before. I wish I could buy Pokemon Diamond or Pearl, but until such a time, I'll just continually play Ruby. Doesn't even matter does it?

Don't ask for an explanation of my new head name here on MySpace. If I think I deserve to die, that's my business.

I just met my sister's new boyfriend; he's a nice boy. Another Irish lad. =D

Things in school have been so hectic. I'm now a temporary Vice Core Commander (I have no idea how that happened) and I have a million Logistic things to do. I put in my application for next terms Newpaper staff, and I need to catch up my grade in Geometry. US History is a piece of cake, Driver's Ed is boring, and life basically sucks for me. I'm lonely, depressed and a little on the suicidal side. Maybe anti-depressants really do increase suicidal thoughts in teenagers. I should go see the school councilor.

Eh, whatever. I'm not the only one, I'm sure. I finally got some black nail polish from a friend of mine in ROTC, and am now wearing it. It's not a good job this time, because before it was TOTALLY dry, I had to go to bed, so it has imprints of the bed sheets in it. XD

I need to get a job. I have a good idea of where I want to be, but I want to wait until just before school is over. I'm really in no hurry. I never seem to be anymore. I should be, but I'm not.

Blah, whatever. I need to get some sleep. I have relatives over all weekend long and they've stolen my bed. Having said that, it's no secret that I'm sleeping on the couch.

That is all.

Love,

Rosie

Random Thing: Something stupid I made...

To shut the fuck up!

Okay, this is to all the gossip spreaders. Fuck you!

Shut.
The.
Fuck.
Up!

You have no life. You're idea of a good time is stirring up trouble. "Oh my God, I like so-and-so, but what's-her-face likes so-and-so, so I'm gonna have to spread a rumor about both of them!"

Dear Lord, is this all you have to do with your day? Read a fucking book! Damn! If you hear someone say something about someone else, do what I do...don't fucking believe them, no matter what! If in doubt, go directly to the source! NEVER believe the nearest dumbass who says someone did or said something, go directly to that someone!

If you want to come up to me and tell me something a friend I really love and care for, someone I'm loyal to and would do anything for, why should I listen, when I trust that someone?

To those who think I want to get with someone; you've really got the wrong idea. I suggest you read my last blog a little more carefully. I stated that I wanted to hang out with them more; so what? So I want a close friend, someone I can rely on, just to let me be there for them and to be there for me. To have a close friend isn't to want to hold someone down, hang on them all the time, and drag them around like a dog. It's to walk WITH them, to talk WITH them, and to love them with loyalty.

What the fuck am I talking about? I'm talking to gossipers here! You ass-fucks don't know what real friendships are!

So you don't like that I go directly to the source, huh? Too. Fucking. Bad. Is it 'low' to ask them? Not if you want the truth! If you're shown as a liar in the process and are bitter about it, sucks for you! I'm here to protect and serve those I'm loyal to and those who tell the truth, not gossiping bitches without a guilt gear in their head.

So I should believe you, right? I should trust you? To those of you gossiping assholes who have double-crossed me once already; good, fucking, luck. Not gonna happen. People change? No they don't! They tell you they do in order to get closer, then do it again...oh look! That's exactly what happened! So I haven't changed? That's a good thing! I'm loyal to people who tell the truth, so I think I'm all set...

So you like to befriend people and be two-faced? You like to tell someone you won't share their secrets, and then whisper into ears as their back is turned. You enjoy making people trust you again, only to crush them once more by returning to your old ways? You love to point the finger at others while never realizing that what you believe yourself may not be at all true, yet you spread it anyway?

Then do me a favor; lock yourself in a closet, duct-tape your mouth shut, and try to pretend like you don't exist (like the rest of us do). Whatever 'friends' you have will leave you, I promise, for they will discover your snake-like ways. The rumors you spread will come to bite you in the ass, and all the people you double-crossed will ignore you.

Let's get one thing straight, though; to the person who inspired this. Keep talking shit about him, keep lying about him, keep spreading rumors about him, and I'll keep setting them straight, and then straighten you out afterward. He's an honest, interesting person who doesn't deserve your backstabbing, so leave him alone! You say you 'love' him; honey, you don't know love! You know 'deep feelings'. I have a better chance than you! You know what, though? I'm not after him like that, despite what you think. So fuck off, bitch! You're right on one thing, though. I am your competition for him. As his friend, I won't let someone like you anywhere near him; ever. So I suggest you back the fuck off.

By the way. Hanging up the phone? Real mature. Bet you felt like you won the argument just then, eh? I can just picture you throwing a tantrum at your house, clicking the phone off with a pout and a childish "Hmph!" sound. Yeah, real grown up there, buddy. Been taking lessons from a 13 year old? You thin you're so fucking intelligent, so damn cool, but you act like drama-filled middle-school k, and trust me; no one wants that on their arm. Grow the fuck up, and stay away from phones; you don't seem to grasp how to use one, or how to have a civilized conversation. Maybe you should look up the word 'civil', M-kay? That a girl!

Alright, Rosie feels better for pointing out the shit-stains in society. Case and point.

Brimstone and Fire,
Rosa-fucking-lie

Random Thing: If a quiz is a quizzical, what's a test? A testicular?

So yeah, little update...

Finally got my damn permit. About time, eh? I've been putting it off forever. My thought is "Stay at home and play video games...go the DMV...Hmm...*picks up controller* Yeah..."

So, yup; got the permit. I'm an organ donor and everything. Blah! Mom's gonna let me drive some this weekend so I drive on Monday in Driver's Ed. We still haven't seen the movie "Red Asphalt". Everyone says it's really gory and what-not, but is it so wrong that I want to see it?

Eh, anywho. Onto the title of this thing! Three different sensations. I'll explain them. Tingly= having a new-found, very cuddly, very trustworthy friend who I quite fancy. A lovely guy, who's very honest, and very mature (but with good, age-appropriate quirks). I was going to have him come over today, but mom's graduating this afternoon, so he can't. I hope he messages me back and tells me if he can make it tomorrow or next weekend. I'd love to hang out and get to know him more. If he's reading this, he can name himself if he wants, but until then, he shall remain nameless. XD He's fwasome. 83

Gra, so there's the new, tingly feeling. New friends are great! Hanging out for one class period isn't enough. Just talking to him is fun as hell. Anywho, the queasy feeling? Slightly guilty. I'm an incredibly loyal person; if you're truthful with me, I will do whatever the hell you want. I have never turned my back on someone if they haven't done it to me first.

Betrayal and cheating are on my top pet peeves. I feel as though I shouldn't be this excited to just get to know someone, especially since another friend of mine who is my best friend moved away recently, and I was very loyal to them as well. Then there's the fact that I don't know this new person that well yet, but I'd love to just chill with them. Finally, they were just 'betrayed' (I hope they don't mind me using that word) by someone they love, and I don't want them to feel like I'm just moving in on them.

Ah, hell. We're all friends, so my guilt is ill-born. Blar!

If the person this is about is reading; no worries. You're awesome. XD Love you! Call some time, I'll talk yer ear off. 83

Now, the burning feeling? Easy. SUNBURN! Who's suppressed? Anyone who's met my white ass...shouldn't be! XD Here's how I got it...

AFJROTC War Games! HOO-RAH! 8D

So here's how War Games went. Yesterday, I was excused from all my classes in order to help set up for the War Games. I helped fill water balloons in the Girl's restroom in the new wing. Very wet experience. XD Sometimes we would get so bored and start to talk to much, and a balloon would come loose from the faucet and SPLOOSH! Everyone would get wet. I was wet down my front by the end. Buckets and buckets of balloons later, we changed and set up some food stuff.

Since I'm on Blue team, I had my friend Christina put a blue ribbon in my hair and one on my writst. Then Juliana painted blue stripes on my arms. It was awesome! ^^

War Games started out with each team going into their groups. Blue, Red, White, and Black. I was in Blue Team with Juliana as our captain. Woo! First we did a big Drill Competition. Our team got that one, thanks to Shannon! 8D She's awesome at drill! I suck at it. XD

Then we had some sit ups and push ups. My fat-butt was defiantly not going to do that, so I wasn't chosen to represent my team thar! XD Instead, I helped set up food for after the Tug-Of war. I think Blue team won the Sit-ups, and either Red or Black won push-ups.

Then...came my favorite. Tug-o-War! WOO! I was a Tug-of-War champ last year, and this year was no different! I might have some big thighs, but I promise you, it ain't all fat! 8D So, yeah, we won! ^^

Then we ate. I stood there and made sure everything was okay while they got food. I ate last, and quickly, but that's okay. We cleaned that up a bit, but left it for later. Mind you, we're outside this whole time, and I have no sun-block. Forgot it. I know. I'm an idiot. My arms are better, but my face is a bit pink.

Anywho, then we had a relay. It started with one person doing a low-crawl, then they tagged someone else, who did a wheel-barrow thing with their partner, tagged another person, who did the same with their partner, who tagged someone to run down and spin around a bat 10 times (Dizzy-Bat). They staggered back and tagged someone to do the same thing, they came back and tagged the last Dizzy-batter, then that person came back and tagged someone who did a crab-crawl, who tagged someone at the other end to do the same, who tagged someone to sprint down to the end and it was over.

*takes deep breath* Confused? So was I, but I was the Sprinter, so it didn't matter. Yeah, laugh it up. "Your chubby ass can sprint?" Damn straight, it can! I'm all lower-body muscle, bitch! I won the 50 (1st place) and the 100 (2nd place) back in Virginia for the 7th grade track. Hoo-rah! Yeah, true, I've gained a bit since then. So what? =(

I was sure they said blue team won that one the first time, but I can't really remember. Blue team sounds like it's doing a damn good job, right? Anywho, they paired Blue team (1st) with White team (4th), and Red team (2nd) and Black team (3rd) with each other for the Big Balloon Battle.

We lost. That's all I can say. We tied each teams flag together with who they were paired with. Our's was white and blue flags together, put them under a cone, and prepared for battle! We should make more balloons next year. They captured our flag, end of story.

They announced that Red and Black team won the whole War games (doing the math now, I don't see how that is, but I honestly don't care). If they want that traditional trophy back in the room, cool. I had a blast. XD We cleaned up and went in. I was dead tired. I could feel the heat really making me sleepy at that point.

So, yeah, there you have it! ^^

I'm gonna go back to watching Comedy Central now! 8D

I love you guys,
Rosie

Random Thing: Things that make me ask..why?

1)Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink n drive?

2)Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

3)When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Odd title, I know. Don't mock me. I can feel you judging eyes! IT BUUUUUUURNS!

Ahem! Anywho! Some updates. Got the Tyndal Field trip down. It was great. Set out last Friday at 10 am, drove for a few hours, ate a McDonalds, then arrived later at a hotel. I played MASH with Amanda-Panda for a bit of the trip (funny as hell) and I was a room captain above Christina S. and Naomi N. Fun girls. We put our shit away, I got my trunks and a T-Shirt on, and...WENT SWIMMING! Yes, I am pale as Hell. Proof of this is that Samantha G. renamed me "Rosie the White Whale" or "Moby-dick". Bitch. XD

I'm a damn good swimmer, though! Proud of myself! I beat two Senior GUYS swimming all the way from the deep end (6") to the hallow end (3"). I use to swim all the time in Virginia, back when I had a pool. Then again, I did bike-a-thons too, but they don't seem to have those here (S'okay. I sold my bike right along with my Violin a few years back anyway).

The trip was fuckin' awesome. We went to Outback. I got a steak for the first time in, like, a freakin' year. It was nice. I got to eat with Josh F., B-rad, and Bacon. Then we went back to the hotel, more swimming, a shower (Christina drew me a bath, sweet girl), and then we went to the bowling alley. I started to get really depressed around that time, because it started to sink in just how lonely I am.

Here's the skinny on that. I'm listening to countless people go on and on to me about who likes them, who they like, and how they can't decide who they want to be with. I was starting to get seriously depressed, which is saying a Hell of a lot considering the lovely new anti-depressants. It began to sink in that...no one wants ME like that, and they never will. I came to terms with this a long time ago, but it just started to hurt more and more the more people started talking about how many people want THEM and how they have the luxury of choosing who they want in return. I will never have this luxury, and I started to cry just a bit by myself. It began to sink in that, no matter who I like, I'll never get anything back. The only person who really showed any interest what-so-ever (real or fictional) was good 'ol Sonny, and he's gone and barely calls me now.

Anywho, so the bowling went by in a tear-filled blur as I watched a bunch of people dance around each other all night. Finally we went back to the hotel, went to sleep. I was going to get my own bed, and Christina was going to get her own bed, but that would leave Naomi to sleep either on a very uncomfortable looking chair or the floor. I couldn't do that to her; it's just not cool. So I let her sleep in my bed with me. Then Christina gets up, turns the bright-ass bathroom light on (the only way to keep me awake; light) and lays back on her bed. I'm like "Damn it, don't tell me you're afraid of the dark" and she's like "I don't like it, that's all!" to which I respond "What can I do to make you turn that light off?" she replies "Sleep in MY bed".

So I did.

I never will again.

I kept waking up all night to this skinny white bitch kicking me off the bed! XD Love her to death, but DAMN IT! Later, as a result of this genius turning the air conditioning on, it was freezing cold in the room, and we're sharing butt-warmth under the blanket. I think it was the only time she didn't kick me off. We ate breakfast later, talked to weird people with dread-locks, Christina flirts with random people, and then we start to go to Tyndal.

I'll make this part relatively short. We walk around (I put on a shit-load of sunscreen, SPF50, because I couldn't locate my 75), look at cars, jets, planes, and watch some acrobatics in the sky. The F-22 Raptor...practically made me orgasm. Chris W. and I lost our friends a ways through it, but we found them again. While waiting for the Blue Angels to start, we sat in a big group in some shade and played Truth or Truth (which is like Truth or Dare, but without the retarded no-one-can-think-of-any-Dares).

I'm tired of talking about the bloody trip. Long story short, bus broke down in Pensacola, I was lonely, I didn't get a sunburn, I'm a kick-ass swimmer, the F-22 turns me on, bus rides can be boring as hell, and you never know who your true friends are until the heat of the day really kicks in.

That aside. Current issues? Trying to get things done. Like the title says. It's Hump day! That's Wednesday for those of you with an IQ above room temperature. I've gotten my schedule set for next term. I've had to drop my advanced diploma; I don't really want to talk about it, thanks. I'm getting my Driver's Permit this weekend (yeah, yeah; laugh it up). I'm the only kid in my Driver's Ed class without one. Ugh. Is the DMV open on weekends? Shit. I need to finish some artwork this weekend and scan it off Monday. I need to help more in the Awards Night Layout in ROTC. I need to suck less at marching.

Good news? No Summer school needed! *dances*

Bad news? I have feelings for someone! *stabs heart* You stop beating right now! Am I going to tell them? HELL NO! Do I ever? Pft...

Odd news? I have no idea what my sexuality is anymore. I don't think it's fair to call me Bi, per-sei, but I'm more that just Straight. Ah, hell. Like Amanda-Panda said "You're just keeping your options open". Oddly enough, this had nothing to do with the person I like, as they are a member of the opposite, not same, sex.

That's all, whores!

Love always,
Rosie

Random Thingy: "Satan's the Prince of Darkness. Lucifer is the Prince of Insufficient-Light"

-My friend, Ida.

I'm defiantly having one of those years where there's too much to fucking do and not enough time or help. If people would just get the fuck of my back or stop arguing with me and get their shit done, I wouldn't feel like this anymore...

"Depression" is what they call it. "Hell" is what I call it. I'm making a list of shit to get done. Mom won't even help me with these; she says I need to do it myself. It's not like I don't have enough to do. She doesn't even have to go to school anymore until Graduation day for her. Until then, she's just sitting around. All I need her to do for me is make a few phone calls; she can't even do that for me. Bitch.

---

To Do List

- Call Dr. Sapp for new Inhalers, BC pills, and Anti-Depressants (I think I want to try them again).

- Call Dentist to re-schedule missed appointment.

- Go get Driver's Permit.

- Make next terms Schedule (requires arguing with idiot school who can't keep up with credits)

- Sign up for Summer school.

- Find a good Summer job to pay for Summer school (I wish Sam's Club would fucking open already).

- Plan layout for ROTC Awards Night

- Finish Study Guide for US History (100 questions).

- Keep ROTC room clean.

- Finish two days of work for Geometry.

- Finish two days of work for Health.

- Pass Mid-terms. (ROTC passed already).

- Finish Art Trade for Teripets.

-Get new Game Cube memory card.

- Finish RP for The Gang.

- Get Teripets League board running, damn it.

- Fix necklace Sonny made me.

- Stop being pissed off at Sonny.

- Not kill myself to make this list go away.

---

I'm only 16, damn it; can't my mother just take two fucking things off this list by re-scheduling some appointments for me? Fucking bitch.

Sonny: You're a dick, even when you don't mean to be. I've let you in to every secret I have, including my e-mails and passwords, but I ask one favor to give you something I spent my time on for you, and you act like I can't be trusted! Do you have something to hide from me? Do you think I just want to ruin your life? Of all people, you're the last in the world I'd try and hurt, but without even meaning to, you sometime's treat me like shit. I'll remember this the next time I think of making something for you. I didn't know I was so un-trustworthy.

I'd like a pat on the head; just one little "You did well" from someone! Is that so much to ask? I'm doing my best, but I'm starting to get tired. Some praise, some "I'm proud of you" from someone? Just so I know that I'm still doing everything okay. Or am I fucking everything up that bad? I just don't know anymore. I want to get my hands on those anti-depressants so bad at this point. I don't even know why. They never helped me before, and I stopped taking them. I'm just willing to try anything at this point, I suppose...

On to different things that don't really matter. I've been playing Animal Crossing. I planted some Cherries, but they died from some weird reason. I'll bug Parker for more and try again, while keeping some back up. I need to keep at least one to give to Sonny, if he ever finds his Animal Crossing that is. I feel bad because I sold all the fossils I was saving for him. I'm re-collecting them to give to him. What else is there? Oh, my Game Cube memory card died. I need a new one. I lost everything on the old one. It's the one you gave me, Murphy. Um, I am still grounded for beating the crap out of my sister. Yep, she has bruises. Fuck it; I don't feel bad. She un-wove the necklace Sonny gave me. She's 21 years old; she knows better! She wasn't even sorry until I beat her ass.

I don't feel like writing anymore. I just need to go to bed. Fucking daylight savings; messing me up and what-not.


Love always,
Rosie

PS: I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have no plan, no schedule, no...anything! I feel so bare and stranded. I hate it.


Random Thing:

I want a puppy...or a kitten. Whichever flies out of a canon better.

This has been, without any doubt what-so-ever, the worst week in the entire history of my short life thus far. Worse than the years of abuse I spent at the hands of my father until the age of ten, worse than the many trials spent defending myself against him, worse than telling the trust about everything, worse than leaving my first love and best friends behind in Virginia; worse than anything my mind could ever fathom...

This week, I had to let go of Sonny. He has now moved up to Virginia and -should- come back in two to three years.

But then I began thinking; what if he doesn't come back? If he does come back, will he still feel the same way about me? Does he still, at this moment, even feel the same love toward me that I do toward him? What if he finds someone else up there? What if I never see him again, hear his voice again...

What if I forget him?

He lives too close to our nation's capital for me to be comfortable with his safety. With this war going on and elections coming up, I don't want him anywhere near the White House...I wish he were right here, sitting next to me in Geometry class each day again, where I can just turn my head a few degrees and see him there; breathing, smiling, wide-eyed and alive...

What if he doesn't call me? What if he never gets his internet set up? What if he dies? What if I die?

I hate this. Every second of it. For the past two years, I've hardly gone a day without hearing his voice, now I'm expected to go over a week without it? I hate this.

When I lost everything and came here, I felt like I was waiting for something. From the age of ten, when life was turned upside-down for me, I began having this anxious feeling in my chest. It felt like I was waiting for something important. It was always there; when I showered, when I walked to bus, when I ate with my family, when I laughed with my friends, when I kissed Cody, when I began to sleep at night, and when I woke the next morning. It was all the same. Like that "there's a big text tomorrow" feeling, but it never went away. Finally, I started thinking "What the fuck am I waiting for and when the Hell is it gonna get here?"

Then I moved here, and that feeling grew and grew. In 8th grade, I met my first friends and that feeling dimmed just a little. I grew to know, and even seriously fancy one of them, and that feeling was still there, and it grew more and more when I discovered that person was a lie, just as things had been when I was ten.

That feeling of waiting for something, that sence of longing grew further still...

And then I met Sonny.

And it stopped.

Just like that.

After five years of waiting, at the age of 15, I met him in History class. Over a single week, I was speaking to him as though we knew one another from childhood. True, we're still children, but both of us have had similar lives which forced us to behave with more discipline than our peers. I spoke with him like he shared my thoughts. It wasn't even very long before we were finishing each other's sentences. That, my friends, is when that feeling of waiting went away. I had found it. That whole, that longing, that missing piece of my life that I lost when I was ten was given back to me in the shape of a handsome, witty, wonderful man who bore, not only more scars than I, but also a knowing smile.

I speak of him as though he were dead, but he's quite alright (I hope). No, I speak in mourning because-

That feeling has returned.

I can't take it. Four years with it and two without it; I can hardly stand it. It's like someone's crushing me from the inside. As a dear friend of mine has recently written; "I feel like crying in front of a million people". If only, right? I've been crying in privet about this for months since he first told me he 'might' be moving. Might turned into 'will' and 'will' turned into 'three weeks'. Before I knew it, 'three weeks' turned into 'Friday'.

I've never felt so helpless. So hopeless. So powerless. I just wanted those three weeks back. Those few months of 'maybe'. Those two years of 'I love you'.

He told me that. He said those words. Those words I had grown two hate so much. I hate hearing them. That person I grew to like and trust in 8th grade said those words and crossed me. My sister said those words and crossed me. My father said those words and crossed me. I hated them; there were an omen. To me, it was "If they say those words, it's out of guilt. They've done something wrong and they're saying that to save themselves for when you find out. They'll say 'you can't hate me for what I've done because I already said 'I love you'."

Heh, like it's some sort of fucking 'Home Base' in a sick game of tag.

But when he said it, I didn't feel edgy or paranoid. I felt rather lame saying "Okay" to him after he first said those words. Maybe he doesn't know it, but that "Okay" meant more than he can imagine. It meant that I could accept that from him without hesitation; without thinking that something was afoot. It meant that I could finally trust someone again. I wonder now; was that what I was waiting for?

That feeling is back again, that feeling of waiting. I wonder why. If he chooses not to love me as I do him, I can accept that as long as he doesn't shut me out. I can be his friend; I can be a lifelong companion to him and watch him love someone else. I just can't watch him walk away, and I had to do that this week. I just hope it's not forever.

So, anyway. I spent Thursday afternoon over at his house helping them finish packing. Honestly, it was just my excuse to give him some stuff back and be with him. His mom gave me thirty dollars, which I refused, but was forced to take. I didn't want money, I wanted time. I tried to make Sonny take it and give it back to his mom, but he made me take it too. It hurt a little, honestly. Couldn't he see it? Couldn't he see that look in my eyes that told him all I wanted was him? I didn't want money; I wanted the skinny little Mexican in front of me. Hell, she can keep the money; just give me the man! I say man, because he's no boy. I'm going to save that money to send him gifts for Holidays and his birthday. He was the first person I memorized their phone number. Before him, I had a phone book.

We went to dinner at his family friend's house later and then he took me home. The most heart breaking moment was when he walked me to the door and I joked "What a gentlemen; walking me to the door! You haven't done this in a while!" to which he replied "I'm not going to say this is the last time I get to do this, but it will be the last time for a long time". I felt like throwing up, but I smiled and nodded. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to keep him from going back to that God-damned car and leaving.

Depressing matters aside...I really don't feel too up to writing at the moment. No RP's, no nothing. I really want to hang out with Stewie. I read his blog and I think perhaps he and I can see eye-to-eye on things in a mature matter that might make us both feel better if we get the chance to simply have a long conversation with each other. I should really try and set up a time for us to meet and just talk, like we use to. Without others. Books A Million sounds like a good spot. I don't rightly feel like spending money on a movie.

Sonny gave me some sticky blue paste stuff that is used to stick things together or something. It doesn't leave marks and can be re-used. So, with the quarter-sized amount he gave me, I managed to post all my posters in my room up. I should take a picture of it some time soon, honesty. I have them going in a diagonal form; starting high on the left and coming lower as they go right. Danica, Sonny's older sister, gave me her old Evanescence poster. I'm ecstatic about having it over my bed now! *dances*

See, everything will go back to him somehow. Don't fall in love with your best friend; it'll just hurt. He'd probably scowl at me for being so blunt and out-right with my love for him, but I really don't care. I can't very well hold it in, and if he doesn't feel the same way, all he'd have to do is say so.

Again, depressing matters aside. I'm mostly playing video games, trying to do well in school, and attempting to find something to fill this empty feeling again. I should pick up a hobby, other than art, writing, and video games. Hobbies are expensive though...

If anyone has a hobby suggestion, please speak.

~Evelon

Random Thing: I don't have a fucking joke for today.

I can't believe I still have panic attacks after six years...

Now, about that 'Wisdom Teeth being pulled' thing...didn't go as planned. I woke up a five this morning, got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed with only a T-shirt, jeans, shoes, bra, and panties (not in that order, numb-nuts), and drove with my mother to Mobile for my surgery...

I come to find out that, after they stick and IV into the back of my hand (because my arm refused to show any after two minutes of hand-pumping and slapping the skin to get a vein loose from connective tissue and to the surface) that I was not, in fact, going to be put into a full sleep. My reaction was:

"You don't want to do that. I'm not a good patient if I'm conscious."

I warned his ass! His assistant too! He said:

"The only way we can put you into a full sleep is if we take you to a hospital to do this. Otherwise, we'll just deeply sedate you."

Sounds good; after all, it's been a while since I've been sadated mildly. Maybe things have changed since then; maybe I don't have panic attacks anymore!...So, after the IV of pain medication in liquid form, I get the laughing gas (fun...). That's when things go from bad to worse.

I began to cry just as they're giving me shots to my cheeks and gums. The nurse is dabbing the tears with a cloth (I can't feel it, but with my eyes cracked open a touch, I can see her pretty well since she's a blonde). The doctor goes:

"You don't have to cry, sweetheart, we aren't going to hurt you."

To which remember I replying:

"How do I know that?"

Let me fill you all in; this is a man...I was abused. I'm freaking out at this point and I can only remember the nurse's voice after that. For about an hour, she said I rambled on and just bawled my eyes out. I can remember her saying little bits of things, like:

"He won't hurt you, I promise."

"He's not in the room anymore, hun; calm down."

"No, leave the IV in, you can't leave yet."

At that point, she called mom in and I calmed a little, only to go off again (so says mom; I can't really recall). She said for about half an hour or so, I started crying about Sonny. How I loved him and hated loosing him like this. How I wish he were there right then (I'm glad he wasn't; I'd never want him to see me like this). I asked mom what happened after that in the car, and she said the nurse was replacing the IV with something to wake me up more. I asked her if I "said anything else stupid" in the car on the way over the bridge. She said I kept saying "I love him, Mom" over and over again...

How embarrassing; falling apart like that. Mom says I'm just too far gone to be half awake during it, so she'll try a hospital instead at the beginning of the Summer. I felt terrible, because I knew she had wasted money. But then she said that the entire staff agreed to give us every bit of our money back. The staff at the other side of the office could hear me...I asked her if I screamed...she said:

"Only a few times, Rose; you weren't as bad as a lot of other patience."

I think she only said that to be nice...

I can't believe I did all that; and I wasted all the money she spent buying soft foods for me to eat a while after the surgery. My mouth is still numb (mostly my bottom lip, my tongue, and my cheeks). Talking isn't exactly a walk in the park, either.

I know I cried a lot; I have the headache and the red eyes to show it, but I can't really remember everything I cried or said (which scares me; I hope I didn't say anything that would make mom think even less of me...). I know I kept going under and coming back, because I just remember feeling scared that I was going under and wouldn't come back; this man standing next to me just made me feel like something was wrong. At the same time, I felt alone (might be why I cried out for Sonny; that's what mom said I screamed about. Apparently I said "It's not fair!" over and over).

I know I had to keep loosing it because this went on between 6:30am to 8:45am, but I can only remember sitting in the chair, getting the IV, getting the laughing gass, and only bits and pieces of voices and images (I can count them on one hand; but I'm not sure if I'm counting the same ones twice or not, I just can't recall.)

I'd rather do this fully asleep. I didn't think I was still that afraid of a man; but I guess I am when I'm not 'all there'. The woman was fine; she was calm. She said the Doctor had to leave the room when I started crying and said he refused to put me through something like that again. Now, when I say 'again' I mean my mom told him about when I had six teeth pulled back in Virginia when I was about 10 or so. That time, my father really was in the room. I won't go into detail about what he had already done to me at the time (it's been six years; I should be over this) but he sat in the corner and just stared at me from a chair while they pulled teeth. Only a nurse helped me then too, and it was the Doctor who ignored my "The medicine's wearing off" pleas. He said something like "It's the last one". Let me tell you something; for the first one, the medicine barely kicked in, so it hurt quite a bit. The others were fine; I was mildly sedated, but the last one? It was like there wasn't any medicine at all (and I'm a ten year old girl; you can imagine how this was for me; a man doing this, a woman comforting me, and my father, who I had come to fear, was watching me the whole time).

I hate talking about these things, but writing them down just seems to help get the news out there. I don't care if anyone knows I cry, as long as they don't see it. I just wish that, once I had calmed down enough, they'd just done the surgery, but the Doctor just couldn't do it (so he says).

It's been six whole years since Dad, for Christ's sake! That just four years shy of a decade! I shouldn't be like this. I should have known the Doctor wasn't going to hurt me like Dad would; he was a professional and was trying to hurt me.

I hate this...

If you don't believe any of this, or think I'm throwing a silly fit, call me (though I'm not too good at talking right now) and I can have confirmation from mother. I can't give you much confirmation; I can't remember -everything-; just bits and pieces.

I'm gonna go lay down and watch TV for a bit...

Rosalie G.: Has flashbacks under sadation; apparently...

Random Quote:

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"

Jean Kerr

Note: Late Entry

Busy week...

First thing I need to go do is reply to Kristen. I haven't had any time at all for it, but now I finally do.

Life kinda sucks right now. It's good...but it sucks...does that make sense?

====================================

1st Block- Health

~Fun little class. Temperature is cold in the room, but teacher is warm-hearted. She's funny (though I suspect I'm the only one who laughs). I'm fresh from my morning two-cups of coffee (doctor says I can drink one cup a day now; but I drink two). Let's hope I just don't have another 'heart episode'. Anywho, that class is easy and really fun. It has Psychology in it, so I'm all "WEEEEE!"

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2nd Block- U.S. History I

~Irritating little class. I don't mean to sound racist (though I kinda am) but that class is really dark. I don't care what color people are, but what's with the black culture and their unique attitudes? It's like "Oh, you're a strict white female teacher, so I'm gonna give you a hard time and act a fool!". Whatever. Got moved in that class. I'll do my best in it, but my worst subject by far has always, ALWAYS been History. *shivers* The teacher's strict, but really into the subject she teaches. I haven't had a teacher like her since 7th grade (the ONLY time I made an 'A' in History...)

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3rd Block- AFJROTC

~Wonderful, as always. I'm now an Element Leader, since I couldn't be named Flight Commander twice in one school year (thank God...), and I'm an officer, therefore cannot be "Flight Sergeant". Flight Sergeant went to my friend, Shannon M. (I think she'll do a -really- good job) and Flight Commander went to a wonderfully-surprised Josh F (he's too cute XD) . I'm throwing pointers at him, cuz I don't want to see people ridding him around like they did to me; chewing me out in front of the whole class. I think he'll do just fine (better than me, that much is certain). I'm happy to say, I made Logistics OIC! HELLS YEAH! NO MORE FUCKIN' CIMS! CIMS is like that position you hand off almost like a punishment; it's that dull. I'm happy to be back to a hands-on position!

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4th Block- Geometry

~The teacher, much like my first block teacher, is funny in a corny sort of way. Again, I'm probably the only one who laughs (out loud...very loud) at his jokes. He's fun and what-not. The work's not too hard, either. I'm very good at graphing (statistics), fractions, and following formulas, so I should be okay in this class. The only reason I'm good at graphing is because I follow Psychological Statistic (Ex: the normality rate, general population IQ ratio, specific behavior percentage rate, ect). Fractions I LOVE! I've always like fractions. I cook, so I've grown use to changing a fraction into a decimal into a percentage and back again. Formulas are self-explanatory...

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Those were the ups...now for a downer...

My best friend, who (fuck it; I'm saying it, he knows...) I very much fancy, is going to move soon. How do you let go like that? To have someone who you trust more than any living thing on the planet to being without them? For me, it was hard to trust anyone (especially a male) after the age of ten, when I find out that all I knew my father to be was a lie. For a long time, I hated men; every one of them. I saw them as shallow, vain, sinful, and shifty. It took me a long time to let my hatred of what he did to me go; forever to realize I was being unfair. There are plenty of males out there that are good, and this person is a perfect example...

And I can't just cry and let it out. I do it at home plenty, but there's no one to talk to here at home. The tears go, but the feeling of being smothered is still there when I wake up the next morning, tearstained and sick. Part of me today, while being bombarded by work in ROTC, just wanted to break down and cry, tell the world how angry I am, how scared to be alone again I am, and how much I regret the stupid things I've said or done. But I can't do that; Rosalie G. never does that. What would the world be like if I fell apart in the middle of class like I did back when I was ten? I've strived so hard to not be that weak again; not to shatter at the smallest things. People come to me for advice so often, but I can't just go to myself for advice! Writing all this down seems to be much better than to say it to anyone. If I did, I know I'd snap; my wonderful wall falling before me. To trust someone again, to love someone again, and to show my sensitivity and weakness to them...It's just not something I'm ready to do again.

Maybe that's why I'm such a tom-boy, eh? Even men find me intimidating (which is my goal). I'm certain they never realized that it's my way of weeding out the cowards from the heroes. In a man, I look for courage. Any man that's brave enough to stand up to me, to try and -dare- bark an order at me, I find impressive. Most just back away, which is good; I don't want someone like that. Yep, I'm talking about that. Romance! I'm straight; though I'd kiss a girl, I do love the guys. No matter how much I don't trust them, I have to hand it to them; they're sexy creatures. That and I respect the fact that, in most relationships, it's the man who has to walk out on a limb. That's what I consider courage. To take a chance, knowing you could be shot down...that's amazing. I could never do it...

All right, let me get of my damn soapbox...

Tomorrow, I get my wisdom teeth taken out...*twirls finger* Jeff P. (our Group Commander in ROTC) got his taken out today...I wonder how it went...

If you feel like calling me, for whatever reason, here's my number...

(Home Number) 621-3506

I should go reply to Kristen's message and her blog...*walks off*

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Random Thing:

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow